When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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