Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
