if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
