need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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