I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
