Who did Billy Mays play for?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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