dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
