I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
