wakey wakey hands off snakey
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
