1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
