Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Girls should come with a carfax report
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The struggles of a small town man whore
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
