What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
