he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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