don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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