my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
