Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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