my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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