The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I am naked and annoyed.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
