I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
