I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
