I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
