Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
