my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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