If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
