We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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