JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
