Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
