That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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