I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
