We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
