Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
