my phone needs a breathalizer
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I wear drunk well.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
