So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
