turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
