I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
