Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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