She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I currently don't understand fingers.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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