Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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