Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
