last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Congratulations! We have a period
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
