one two three fourrrrnication!
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
