my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
