If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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