I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
