$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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