drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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