I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
