Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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