seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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