You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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