I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
