I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
